Real Life Struggles

Happy Sunday Friends!  There are only a few more days until Christmas!  I’ve got my tree up, a few presents wrapped, and tons of to do lists that I need to get done ASAP.  I’m starting to stress a little!  I hope the rest of you are more prepared that I am and are not being huge procrastinators! 

I’m getting real on the blog today.  I really debated about posting this, but I always try to be real and honest with you; show you the good times and the bad.  I feel like I haven’t done that recently.  I’ve been putting on a happy front and making everything seem like it’s fine.  When in reality, it’s not at all.  I’ve just been going through the motions of my “normal” life, getting through every day, and trying to fight the pain.  Some days I feel numb, but other days it’s so raw and it hurts so badly that I feel physically sick.  The last recap I wrote was probably the worst I have ever posted, because my heart wasn’t in it.  While everything that I wrote about was true and happened, it was just the motions.  There was so much more going on behind the scenes that I left out and those things were the biggest part of my week.  This last week was about the same for me too, so I’m sharing those struggles with you this week.

That last recap was a really tough week for me.  I don’t know if it was because I was home alone so many nights, or if Christmas coming up is what’s getting to me, but there was no fighting the pain or finding a distraction.  Every night that week ended in tears.  I tried several times to sit down and buy Christmas presents online, only to have to shut off the computer because I was crying so hard I couldn’t see the screen.  (This is why I’m trying to buy online.  I’m afraid to go into a store.  When I bought my mom’s birthday present in September I started crying in the middle of Hallmark.)  I can’t figure out what to get anyone and all I can think it’s not going to matter what I get because it’s not going to take away any pain.  Thursday night I had a complete breakdown when trying to shop for my sister’s God daughters.  And, I know it really won’t matter what I get anyone.  But, it’s so hard trying to be happy and buy presents when that’s not how I feel.  It’s also hard to buy when I know there is one less person to buy for and as I’m scrolling through gift ideas, I see a ton of things that my sister would have loved or would have needed.

Work has been tough.  Everyone is excited about Christmas and talking about all of their plans.  It’s hard to sit and listen to them when I’m not feeling the same way.  My mood all week has been up and down.  I am not angry, but my emotions are all over the place. I hate that I’m feeling like this because this isn’t how I normally am.  But, I’m working on it.

I know it’s crazy but I feel bad even putting all this out there.  I don’t want to bring anyone down, or make anyone feel bad.  I want to post happy things, but that isn’t always real life.  And, right now, it’s not mine, and I’ve been keeping it all inside and trying to pretend that it’s all okay.  I just fall apart when I’m all alone and put on a strong front when I’m not.  But, that’s not helping.  Writing has always been somewhat therapeutic to me, so I’m hoping that getting out on here will help.

The last two weeks have just been really hard for me.  I’m usually really excited about Christmas and love this time of year.  I’m trying really hard to feel like that, but it feels like every time I start to feel excited or happy, the pain comes back and takes over.  One of my mom’s friends gave her this book and as soon as I read the cover, I was interested.

Then when I read the back, I knew I needed to read it.  I’m going to start it tonight and see if it helps any.

There’s really no easy way to transition from all of that to this week’s recap, so I’m just going to get started with Monday.  I meal prepped Sunday so my breakfasts and lunches were the same all week.  I had eggs with spinach and ground turkey “sausage” for breakfast.

Lunch was ground turkey and green beans and squash that I cooked in my air fryer.

Monday was a pretty busy day, which I like because it leaves less time to sit and think. My aunt came to town to visit so I went over to my grandparent’s to see her for a little while before Jeremy’s mom came to town visit us too.   We ran some errands with Jeremy’s mom for about an hour before she had to leave.  Later that night I was fixing some eggs for dinner when I got a phone call.  My sister’s nine year old God daughter called me crying.  It broke my heart listening to her tell me that she didn’t want Christmas to come because my sister wouldn’t be here, and that she had gotten upset during her school play and started crying when they were singing Christmas songs.  I barely held it together long enough to calm her down.  By the time I got off the phone with her, I was pretty upset and didn’t feel like eating.  I tried to eat my dinner, but it ended up going in the trash.

Tuesday I needed a good workout. I was definitely not in the mood but I knew I needed it. So I had some spark and cranked up my music and got busy. I did this arm workout. I did four reps of 20.

And this ab workout.

I posted this pick to instagram after my workout.

Here’s what it really looked like. Lol

After that I got ready quick and went with my family to eat Mexican.  I had the chicken giso.  It’s grilled chicken and sautéed veggies served over rice.  I just ate the chicken and veggies and they were good!

When I got home I stretched for a long time.

Wednesday I did a lower body and ab workout.  I tried some mountain climbers, step ups, and side lunges.  I think I over did it again.  It’s crazy how sensitive my foot is and how completely out of shape I feel!  It really makes me mad, but that only pushes me to work harder!

I fixed tacos for dinner that night.  This is seriously Jeremy’s favorite thing to eat.  I was not very hungry.  I actually didn’t eat breakfast or lunch today.  I had a One bar before I worked out so I wouldn’t get sick.  But, I had no appetite today at all.

I still didn’t have an appetite today.  I ended up eating my eggs for lunch and that was it.  I cooked a DiGiorno veggie pizza for dinner.  Thursday night I finally got another present ordered.  I’m really cutting it close this year!  And I’m not even half way done. But I’ll get there.

Friday I ate about half of my breakfast and then ate some leftover pizza on the way to Jeremy’s game.  Nothing sounded good.  It was homecoming at the school we went to.  This man, who I am pretty sure was a principal, was sure ready for Christmas.  He even had on a matching tie!

By the time we got home, I was hungry.  I had a turkey hot dog for dinner.

Saturday we slept in, some of us later than others. LOL  I was up pretty early and worked on cleaning my house as quiet as I could.  Once Jeremy got up, we went and ran some errands.  I was looking for a Christmas t-shirt to wear to his family’s big Christmas.  But, I didn’t find one.  However, I did find this new Tory Burch purse!

I sold some boots at a local consignment store.  We went by there so I could pick up my money and this purse was hanging behind the counter.  It was brand new, and I got it for $3.26!  Yes you read that right!  I could not believe that!

When we got home, I had a bowl of peanut butter and chocolate cheerios.  Then I ran to Hobby Lobby to shop a little bit and to my grandma’s to spend the afternoon with her while Jeremy went hunting.  I got home around 5 and started a strength workout.  I just wasn’t feeling it.  My mood was not good today at all.  I decided to curl up on the couch and read a book to try and get my mind off of everything.  It helped for a while.

Jeremy got home after dark and we got ready to go eat.  We went to our favorite taco joint.  It’s been a while since we’d been there and they were happy to see us!  LOL  We shared fajitas.  They always remember that I don’t like their queso dip on top, so they put shredded cheese instead.  The fajitas have chicken, beef, bacon, peppers, onions, and tomatoes.  I just like the chicken, peppers, and onions.

I really wanted to get a video for you guys, but I didn’t want to be rude.  There was a group at the bar that was being so ridiculously loud that we couldn’t help but watch the entertainment.  There were two guys dressed like cowboys.  They had their phone hooked to the sound system and were playing some pretty good country music, and it was extremely loud.  They were two stepping (alone, not with each other) and doing tricks with their hats (putting it on their feet and flipping it up onto their heads), and at one point one of them brought out a guitar.  I have no idea where it came from but we busted out laughing when he stood up with it.  They sang and danced and were pretty fun to watch.  It was wild in there for awhile!

After dinner we went to Walmart to pick up a few groceries and some dirty Santa gifts for a Christmas party I’m going to Tuesday night.  When we got home, I went straight to bed.

Sunday morning I slept until 10:00.  When we got ready, we went to town to shop for Jake’s Christmas gifts.  We were looking for a new bed for him, but no one had the one we wanted.  But, we did get him a ton of toys and we found a gift for my favorite little person, F.  She’s gonna love it!

When Jeremy left to go hunting, I wrapped what presents we did have.  Jake kept trying to eat the wrapping paper.  So, I distracted him by wrapping up the bone he was chewing on and letting him open it.  He was so excited.

I spent a couple hours at my mom’s that afternoon and then came home to do a short workout.   I ended up just stretching more than any actual working out.

I’m about to fix some breakfast for dinner and then park myself on the couch to start that new book.

I really hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas!!  I’ll be back next week with my Christmas recaps.

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10 thoughts on “Real Life Struggles

  1. Momof2

    Thank you for being real and sharing how you’re feeling. Your readers really do care about you! It’s okay to not be okay. What I mean is that you don’t have to try to put on a brave face – you’re going through an extremely difficult time. Consider talking to a grief counselor or someone who knows how to deal with these emotions. The holidays in particular are tough for lots of reasons and loss of someone you love compounds that. Also maybe you can make some new traditions with your family – something to acknowledge your sister and to make it so you aren’t going through the motions of what you used to do. Also, it’s hard that she’s not here, and that hurts, but it’s okay for you to enjoy the season and to have happiness too. Not sure if you’re feeling guilty about that but being happy – even in little moments – is not a betrayal of her nor does it mean you aren’t still grieving. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you. Hoping for peace for you.

    1. Profile photo of Tara


      Thank you so much much for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me. I’ve actually been thinking about seeing a counselor. I know it’s not good to keep it all in. And thank you for thinking of me. I hope your family has a very merry Christmas!

  2. Marie at the Lazy W

    Oh Tara I am so sorry you’re hurting. Of course the holidays are impossible when grief is so fresh. Even knowing that, though, might not help it feel much better. I admire how much you’re trying to push through, but it really is okay to not try so hard. I will be thinking of you and be sending you good, strong thoughts and lots of love, ok?
    I’m reading a book about Advent that is helping me with my own emotional rollercoasters this season, helping me slow down and be quiet more often.
    Let Love surround you. I am so sorry. xoxoxo

    1. Profile photo of Tara


      Thank you Marie. 😀 I really appreciate your kind words.

  3. Heather @ Polyglot Jot

    Hi Tara, I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through so many things right now. I hope you find some comfort from that book. I wish I lived closer so I could be more than just a blogger internet friend. I will continue to pray for you and your family especially through the holiday season. I pray that God grants you peace and comfort that this world cannot give or understand.

    1. Profile photo of Tara


      I wish you lived closer too. That would be awesome! Thank you for your prayers.

  4. Andrea Shoemaker

    Hi Tara,
    Sorry to hear that you were having such a difficult time. I hope you had a wonderful time with your family on Christmas and was able to cherrish the precious memories. Thank you for sharing and being yourself. Your such an inspiration to many!
    Praying for you and wishing you many blessings this Holiday Season.

    1. Profile photo of Tara


      Thank you for your kind words and prayers. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas as well!

  5. San

    I am so sorry for what you’re going through, Tara. Grief is never easy, but when you lost someone who – by all standards – haven’t had died quite yet and you’re trying to return to “life as usual”, that just can’t work. Thanks for being raw and honest and for letting us comfort you a little bit. It’s totally ok to be not ok. I do hope that this will get easier with time, although I am sure you’ll always miss your sister. <3

    1. Profile photo of Tara


      Thank you for the comfort. 🙂 I know it takes time. <3

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